something I wrote in 2008, here for my own reference so don't read it.

HOW TO WRITE AND DO COMEDY

BY, TED BURNARD.

Ted Burnard has spent over 3 decades in the world of stand-up comedy and been making a living out of it for even less time than that.

Hello and welcome to stage one of how to write and do comedy.

This coarse doesn't promise to give you fame or fortune or any artistic credibility, or really any jokes especially. but what it does promise is to give you enough advice and technique for you to come up with an act that is at least only half as shit as some of the people on the open mic circuit at the moment. well as shit anyway, certainly not any shittier.

The first thing you have to do is give up all hope, don't aim to bring anything fresh or innovative in anyway to the world of comedy or performance. In fact it is probably easier, wiser and all around more truthful if you see it not so much as a performance but more a man standing in the corner of a pub shouting at other drunk men.

NB. if you are not a man and are something like a women, then i am very sorry the world of comedy is not for you. Unless you is minging or a lezzer in which case consider yourself an honorary man.

Remember comedy is easy; it's giving people exactly what they want about 2 seconds before they realise they want it. Which might sound quite hard but luckily everyone is exactly the same and everyone wants the same thing.

JOKES

Step one; jokes/ finding something funny to say.

very few successful acts make a go of it without having any jokes. those that do can be seen on channel 4, E4, and MTV. And BBC3, BBC1 ,BBC2 and radio 4 come to think of it, and E4+1.

Still to be a stand up your life will be much easier if you have at least one joke (well one is ideal. A half at least)

Most jokes are based around an idea, or as i like to call it a subject or thing. for example dog, mother in law, toaster etc. This is not the whole story as the idea is often funny as well. It can't just be a sandwich for example (unless it is a funny sandwich) No.

No. Often the subject (or victim) is laudable in some respect i.e. the dog is stinky, or the mother in law is obese or otherwise vile, the toaster doesn't work in a perfect manor. But just saying,

" I have a toaster:- it doesn't work perfectly".

is not quite a joke. (although could work as a parody piece) this is because there is no assumption on the part of the audience that the toaster would work perfectly so we have to embed that idea in their stupid brains first.

"Oh yes i have a brand new, very good toaster, in perfect working order:- It burns the toast much better than the old one"

remember it isn't funny now because we have dissected the frog and we are sober, and not in a room above a pub.

OTHER WAYS TO GENERATE JOKES.

WORK BACK: for example my wife is a rubbish driver, you could say she drives like a blind person, so if we put a twist on it and work back from the end...

my wife's blind:- she's a rubbish driver

AND remembering our lessons we've learnt already we can improve this joke no end...

My wife is blind, but it doesn't stop her she is brilliant at many tasks:- But she's a bit of a rubbish driver.

remember it's not funny now obviously!

What we have is the basis/ main frame-work for 2 jokes (more than enough). But at the moment they lack a little punch we can improve them by just going on a bit longer about our stupid idea and slightly going on to a different subject but not too much i.e.

My wife is blind, it doesn't stop her doing most things:- but she's a rubbish driver she nearly crashed twice last year.

I've got a brand new toaster it's perfect:- it burns the toast exactly like my wife used to, but it's rubbish at the constant nagging she was so good at.

This process is often referred to as "adding on the funny bit". you may notice the common theme of the wife, that's because it will help you when facing an audience because everyone there will have wives that they hate too. otherwise they'd be at home with them, right? not in some shit hole pub where you will spend your career.

which brings me to...

STAGE PRESENCE AND STAGE CRAFT

Just shout a lot and move around a lot, that way the audience won't notice when no one is laughing. o yeah and swear. and if anyone is offended when you start having a go a spastics just pretend it's ironic and they don't get it. and anyway it's Mencap now.

EDITING: Editing can be your strongest tool in your comedy box. short and snappy equals funny. you get the idea, if you go on too long about stuff, for a long time about things. often what can happen is that people can sometimes, on occasion, in fact more often than not; they become, what i can only describe as disinterested. And rather than laughing at your every word they don't do that and there is silence and pauses which people hate because it reminds them how worthless their lives are.

So make your jokes shorter e.g

"My wife's blind:- she's a shit driver"

"I've got a toaster :- my wife's a bitch"

join me again another time for more lessons and insights and we'll be gigging (and giggling) together in no time.

Cheers! and remember Give up all hope.